Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!
by Nessa-Chan
Summary: There are some slight dirty words, innuendoes, and fantasy drug use (you'll know what I'm talking about). Seifer and Irvine fans BEWARE!
1. RINOA'S CRACK!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft, so do nearly all the characters I use.

****

Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!

Chapter 1: RINOA'S CRACK!! (Just read it, all will be revealed.) 

Zell sat up sleepily in his bed. It was already daylight. The boy glanced at the calendar.

"_July 15. Hmm… there's something special about tomorrow. What is it?_"

Selphie peeked in the door. She then decided to jump into the room.

"Hi Zell!"

"**AH!**"

"Tee-hee! Did I scare you **that** bad?"

Zell jumped out of bed.

"What the Hell you doin' in my room?"

Selphie innocently swayed from side to side.

"I just wanted to wake you up. It's almost 11."

Zell began to feel guilty for snapping at the poor girl.

"Um… Thanks."

The blonde boy grinned at Selphie, hoping to reassure that he wasn't angry with her. She turned and exited the room, bouncing with each step. He watched her leave, still trying to figure out what was so special about tomorrow…

"Selphie's birthday! And I don't have a present for her!"

Zell threw on his clothes, grabbed his t-board and ran out of his room… and straight into Seifer.

"Watch it Chicken-Wuss!"

He then realized who he ran into.

__

"I don't have time for him, I need to get to Balamb…"

Zell jumped up and continued running. The former leader of the Disciplinary Committee just stood, scratching his head.

__

"Has Chicken-Wuss finally learned to be afraid of me? Ugh, my head is so itchy; damn lice…"

Zell rode his t-board after passing the directory. Suddenly a voice from behind called him.

"**Zell! Don't make any more wrong turns into the lady's room!!**"

He didn't have time to react; Selphie would be so mad if she knew he nearly forgot her birthday. Even though it was safer to stay on the road, he decided to take the short cut through the grass. Suddenly a bright light engulfed the boy as about five bite bugs appeared in front of the boy.

"Damn it! You guys are just annoying now."

Zell swiftly attacked each of the monsters as music played from an unknown source. The bite bugs were easily beaten. Zell did a little victory dance.

"Where does that music come from?"

He wasn't asking anyone in particular, but he found it odd how that song always appeared during fights. Shrugging his shoulders, the boy hopped on his t-board and continued to his hometown.

"Ma! I'm home!"

Mrs. Dinct appeared from the kitchen.

"Zell! You didn't bring any of your friends?"

"No Ma, I need to get a present for Selphie, her birthday's tomorrow."

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"**No!** She's just a friend! I was wanting to ask you what I should get. I really don't know what girls like."

"Girls like jewelry."

Zell's face lit up, he hadn't even thought of that!

"Hey! I'm pretty good at making stuff like that! Thanks Ma!"

The boyish grin spread across his face as he waved to his mother. He stopped by the junk store on his way. He was sure he would find some metal there. After selecting a chunk of shiny, silvery metal he rushed back to Balamb Garden.

***

Rinoa stood by Zell's dorm room. He'd been in there for hours. Squall, who had been looking for the girl for nearly half an hour, found her trying to look under Zell's door. He stood over her. The only girl that had ever managed to gain his affections, and she was on her hands and knees with her face pressed against a door.

"Rinoa?"

She quickly sat up, then nervously brushed the dust from her clothes.

"Hi Squall!"

He reached for his girlfriend's hand, helping her to her feet. He didn't ask her what she was doing. He didn't really want to know.

"Zell's been locked in there for hours."

"Why are you trying to look under his door?"

"Heh… I was just worried"

__

"I recognize that glazed look in her eyes… Choco-boy sold her crack again! I always wondered why he hung around here so much, until I saw her trying to pay with m-stone pieces. She should have known better. No body wants those anymore. You can find those things in a toilet. I actually found one in a hotdog once--"

"**SQUALL!**"

"Huh?"

Rinoa held a little bag out to him.

"Heheh… want some of this?"

"…"

Rinoa held the baggie protectively to her chest.

"Fine! More for me!"

Quistis sat straight up at her desk. Her students were all looking at her, each one with an expression of surprise, disgust, shock, or a combination of the three.

"Um… heh, continue with your tasks!"

Quistis vacantly taped on her desk.

__

"No more all-nighters for me. Why did I accept becoming an instructor again? That was such a strange dream. I hope Rinoa isn't really on crack…"

One of the boys in the class stood. Quistis was afraid of what he'd say; he was notorious for ridiculing others. This time he had a serious and slightly frightened look on his face. He drew up nervously and finally muttered something.

"Instructor Trepe… ma'am, we've all finished and… you have a big pen mark on your head."

He said the last words as quickly as possible and ducked behind his desk. Quistis rubbed her forehead apprehensively and pulled out her compact to check her work.

__

"Good thing I use gel ink, I cleans so much easier."

She replaced the compact and stood smiling.

"Time for the next lecture…"

Quistis was interrupted by a figure flying through the door.

"**ZELL!**"

The aforementioned had fallen off his t-board, and then turned red when he realized whose class he'd just fell into.

"'Sup Quisty? Why is your forehead red?"

Quistis covered the area with her hand.

"Never mind that! Why are you in my classroom?"

"I… wanted to say 'hi.'"

"Class is dismissed in an hour. Can you wait-"

Zell looked at his watch.

"Actually, class is dismissed in five seconds."

The instructor looked shocked for a moment.

"But-"

A bell rang and the junior classmen all left the room.

"I slept for a whole hour?"

Zell jumped back in surprise.

"You slept! Just what were you doing last night?"

"I was grading papers."

An evil smile spread across the boy's face.

"Who was helping ya?"

"No one was 'helping' me! Well, Nida came for a short visit…"

Zell jumped back even further.

"Nida! Why **him**?"

A shocked expression formed on Quistis.

"He just stopped by to say 'hi' and was only in my room for a few minutes."

"Yeah. Anyway, I was going to make Selphie's birthday present and I was wondering what kind of ring she'd like. Wanna help me out here?"

Quistis stood thoughtfully for a few seconds.

"I remember her pointing at one in a magazine I have and saying 'Ooh, that one's pretty!' Come with me and I'll show it to you."


	2. Selphie is a legal adult. The day has t...

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft, so do nearly all the characters I use.

****

Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!

Chapter 2: Selphie is a legal adult, the day has turned sinister.

Seifer had been in his room for nearly four hours. From behind, it looked as though he might have been torturing a small animal. Strange machines and sharp objects were scattered on both sides of the table. A single light bulb hanging from the ceiling lit the room.

"Heheheheheh… I'm almost finished."

Odd stabbing sounds could be heard. Seifer picked up a pair of wire cutters; it sounded as though he was snapping the poor creature's bones. Seifer's voice came out in a demonic manner.

"It's finished."

He held his handy work about his head, laughing maniacally.

"It's my best center piece yet!"

He was so proud of the object he held so high: a perfectly symmetrical arrangement of flowers. He had hand picked the flowers at six AM so the little yellow blooms would still be fresh in time for Selphie's party.

"Finally, everyone will appreciate my talents!"

Fujin stood at the door. She had never seen this side of Seifer.

"What do you think? Isn't it beautiful!"

Seifer started to cry from sheer happiness. Fujin didn't know what to say, but she had to admit, it was the best flower arrangement she'd ever seen.

"PERFECT."

Seifer looked truly touched.

"Y-you think so? Thank you Fujin! I've been working for four hours. I used to make pieces like this for Edea. It was I who designed her parade float. I was her knight AND her interior decorator!"

Seifer happily skipped out his room carrying the yellow flowers, cautiously looks up and down the hall, and walked out with his usual grim expression. Fujin followed as he headed for the cafeteria.

***

Squall sat cleaning his gunblade. He carefully checked all the working parts and held it out, still inspecting it. Rinoa quietly entered, carrying a colorful gift bag, and sat on the bed next to him.

"Did you remember to get Selphie a birthday present?"

He pointed at a small white box sitting in the corner of the room.

"It's not even wrapped!"

"If it's wrapped it might suffocate."

Rinoa's face went blank.

"You got her something that's alive?"

"You told me to buy something she would like."

"I know she'll like it… whatever it is. But being around Selphie, it's not going to be alive much longer."

"…Whatever."

Rinoa took Squall by the hand.

"Come on! Let's go to the cafeteria before we're late for Selphie's party!"

Squall picked up the box in the corner and walked away with Rinoa.

***

Zell held the small silvery ring close to his eye. He looked down at the magazine. The rings weren't exactly the same, he had to make a few alterations because to his lack of time. Hopefully, Selphie would still like it. He looked at his watch.

__

"Damn it! I don't have time to wrap it. I guess I'll just give it to her like this."

He polished the ring one more time, put it in his pocket and headed for the cafeteria.

***

Selphie sat at a table in the cafeteria. She was smiling as usual and bobbing up and down in her seat. Irvine stood next to Selphie with a hand on her shoulder. Selphie stared to whine.

"I'm getting bored! When is everyone else getting here?"

"They'll be here soon, Sefie darling."

Seifer walked in first with Fujin and Rajin in tow.

"I made this for ya."

Seifer used his usual gruff voice as he set the flowers before Selphie.

"Heeey! That's pretty! Thanks Seifer!"

Seifer's heart filled with joy. His labor was appreciated.

__

"She likes it! Oh, this is the happiest moment in my life!"

Rajin put a box wrapped in shiny pink paper and a big yellow bow on the table.

"I like got ya a present too, ya know."

Fujin placed a little blue gift bag beside the pink box.

"HERE."

"Tee-hee! Thanks!"

Pretty soon all of Selphie's friends had gathered and a mountain of gifts had accumulated on the table. Everyone had cake and ice cream and hotdogs. Then Selphie tore into the presents.

She picked up the plain white box with holes in it.

"Nice wrapping job Squall."

"…"

Selphie opened the box; the tiny animal peeked up at her. Seifer peeked over Selphie's shoulder.

"Is that a gerbil?"

The bubbly brunet pushed the boy back.

"No, it's a hamster!

Seifer looked disappointed.

"Oh, I had a gerbil once. But I lost him about a month ago…"

"I thought he just like got stuck in the PVC pipe ya know."

Rajin received a kick in the knee.

"DISGUSTING."

Selphie chose to ignore the previous conversation.

"But I don't have a cage for him!"

Quistis stepped forward handing Selphie a large box.

"Open my gift next."

Selphie ripped the box open.

"A hamster cage!"

She worked her way around to the blue bag from Fujin. She carefully reached inside and pulled out…

"A remote control?"

"ROCKET LAUNCHER."

"Super cool!!"

It seemed like no time when the girl had torn through everything on the table.

__

"I didn't get anything from Zell… He forgot my birthday!"

Zell pulled something out of his pocket.

"Oh, here. I almost forgot!"

Zell opened his hand over Selphie's. She felt something warm and smooth drop into her palm. She gasped when she realized it was like the one she wanted. The girl jumped out of the chair and hopped excitedly.

"It's like the one I wanted!!"

"Yeah, I made it."

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Irvine strolled over to his girlfriend and put an arm around her shoulders.

"C'mon Sefie, I'll help ya carry all this to your room."

Zell watched them leave the cafeteria. Before he knew what was happening he felt his fists clenching and rage mounting.

Quistis notice something was wrong and put a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Zell?"

"**God I HATE that guy!**"

"We all know, let's just go somewhere."

Zell grinned wickedly.

"Okay. _I'll just take care of 'Irvy Kinnepoo' later…_ heheheh…"

Rinoa nearly asked Zell why he was laughing. She looked up at Squall who just shook his head.


	3. Rocket blasting off at the speed of ligh...

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft, so do nearly all the characters I use. Thanks to Elysia Erianthe (read her stories) for helping with several ideas and the name of the chapter, which is a pun on Pokemon's Team Rocket. Part of this chapter was inspired by a _Scary Movie_ trailer. And Devaka is mine! You can use her as long as you ask me, but I don't know why you would…

****

Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!

Chapter 3: Rocket blasting off at the speed of light!!

Selphie skipped outside the Garden. She hummed to herself as Irvine followed behind. Some of the other students were outside.

"La la la… heeey! A chocobo!"

A huge yellow bird ran up to Selphie. Irvine scratched his head.

"I didn't think there were any chocobo forests here…"

Selphie hopped onto the animal's back.

"Go chocobo, go!"

Irvine ran in front of the chocobo.

"Selphie! Be careful!"

The bird lunged forward. The girl on it's back nearly squealed in delight.

"**Whooo-hoooooo!** Faster!"

After a few minutes Selphie returned to see a small crowd consisting of Squall, Zell, Rinoa, Fujin, Rajin, and Seifer around the area where the chocobo appeared. She then noticed Irvine lay face down with a large footprint on his back. Fujin pointed at his motionless body.

"DEAD."

Zell poked the dead boy with a nearby stick.

__

"I wanted to kill him…"

Irvine slowly pulled himself and weakly spoke.

"N-no. I'm fine…"

"We've got to like hide the body ya know!"

Irvine stood up, holding his hands up protectively.

"I said I'm alive."

Zell ran back inside the Garden and back out in the Raganok.

"Everybody in! We'll dump the body in the ocean!"

The entire group, including Selphie and her chocobo, piled inside, dragging Irvine with them. Zell flew the ship over the ocean. Irvine struggled so much it took Squall, Seifer, and Rajin to push him into the deep water below. Seifer looked over the edge at Irvine's body floating face down.

"That's just like a person **you'd** be hanging out with, Squall. Annoying even when they're dead."

"Guys! I'm still alive!!"

Zell turned to everyone.

"Let's get back before the faculty suspects anything!"

Irvine floated helplessly as he watched the Raganok starting to leave. Rinoa walked up to Selphie and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know you must be devastated to loose Irvine like that."

"Huh? Oh yeah, devastated. Isn't my chocobo pretty!"

***

Moments later, the Raganok landed back at Balamb Garden. Everyone involved in the body hiding went back outside and acted as though nothing happened. Selphie hopped back on the chocobo.

"What should I name her?"

Zell approached the creature and stroked its neck.

"I dunno."

"I know! I'll name her Rocket!"

Rocket, with Selphie still on her back, bounded away toward the road. As the chocobo ran faster the girl became more and more excited. Then a wrecked car appeared in the distance. Curiosity got the best of the brunet and she decided to investigate.

"Ooh, super uncool…"

Selphie peeked inside the car where she saw a woman dressed in a long, but nearly skin tight, black dress with red tinted sleeves. A headdress decorated with four bullhorns and streams of red ribbon sat slightly askew on her head. The door on the driver's side of the car was wide open and a young man attended the woman.

"Sorceress Devaka! Are you alright?"

"Oh, find someone for me to pass my powers on to!"

"But Sorceress-"

Selphie hadn't been listening to the conversation.

"Are you okay?"

Devaka beckoned the girl to come closer.

"Are you willing to receive my powers?"

"Um…"

The sorceress raised her hands above her head, waved her arms, and made a motion as though she was throwing something at Selphie.

"There. You are now a sorceress."

"Um…"

The young man scratched his head.

"But Devaka, you're going to be okay."

Devaka sulked.

"Ah, fudge bunnies!"

Selphie had realized what all she could do with her new found powers and was busy doing a little victory dance.

"Whoo-hooo! I'm gonna go blow something up."

Devaka passed out.

***

Irvine's body drifted to shore. He didn't move.

***

Zell waited at the Garden entrance. Selphie had been gone for a while; he was getting worried. Suddenly, he saw a big ball of fire near the forest. He jumped on his t-board (yes he keeps it with him at all times) and rushed to the scene. There he found Selphie cheering with Rocket complacently standing nearby.

"Uh… Selphie?"

Selphie turned to see her friend, who was a bit confused.

"Hi Zell! I'm a sorceress now! Isn't it cool?!"

The boy tried to speak, but all that came out of his mouth was incoherent noises. Selphie stepped closer to Zell, who was still making no sense.

"Hey! Sorceresses are suppose to have knights, right?"

The male SeeD tried to respond but choked again. He decided to nod.

"I guess Irvy should be my knight. Where did he go?"

Zell choked once again. Had she really forgotten that Irvine was dead? He managed to clear his throat and spoke with the most sincere voice possible.

"Selphie, Irvine is dead."

"Oh yeah, we dumped him in the ocean…"

Irvine dragged his wet and ragged body up to the feet of the SeeDs. Selphie sat on Rocket and pouted.

"No, I'm here Sefie…"

"Now who's going to be my knight?"

"I said I'm right here."

Nearly three minutes passed with no one speaking. Selphie hopped up excitedly, one foot landed on Irvine's head, pushed his face into the dirt and knocked him unconscious. The brunet girl pointed at the blonde young man.

"I have an idea! **You** be my knight!"

Zell jumped back.

"Whaa-"

"Please Zell?"

He knew there was no way he could resist the girl. She held her hands together and cocked her head to the side slightly.

__

"She's just too cute. I can't turn her down…"

Selphie bit her lip in mock disappointment at Zell's silence.

"Okay, I'll be your knight."

Selphie jumped up and down happily and clapped her hands.

"Yay!!"

She then took on a more serious tone.

"Okay, your first job is to…"

He listened intently.

"Find me a new wardrobe!! My yellow dress just isn't… sorceressy enough."

Both conscious teens turned toward the forest as a rustling sound appeared. Devaka moodily stopped through the greenery wearing only a knee-length, black slip. The headdress was now completely removed, revealing the ex-sorceress's shoulder length blonde hair. Devaka carried the rest of her clothing in her arms. She stepped toward the Selphie, slightly unwieldy due to her four-inch heels. She stumbled and fell on Zell. She stood again, brushed herself off and stood proudly. She handed the clothes to the girl.

"Here. I don't need these anymore."

"Um, thanks. But what are you going to wear?"

"Maybe we could trade?"

"Okay!"

Selphie stepped into the thicket and emerged a few minutes later wearing the sorceress's attire. She carried the headdress in her left hand and the yellow dress in the right. Devaka slipped the dress on with her slip hanging out by about one and a half feet. Devaka stumbled away as Selphie inspected her new outfit.

"Zell, can you help me with my hair? I'm really not sure what to do with it."

Seifer suddenly popped up out of nowhere. He spoke with an overly excited voice.

"Did I hear somebody say they need help with their hair?"

Selphie held her upturned locks protectively and backed away slowly.

"Um… heh, that's okay… I just don't want a hermaphrodite like you fixing my hair! Who knows what you'll do!'"

Seifer gloomily wandered away. Zell's jaw had dropped and remained there. 


	4. This time it will be... Rinoa on PCP!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft, so do nearly all the characters I use. Thanks again to Elysia Erianthe (read her stuff) for all the help and putting up with all the times I freaked her out.

****

Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!

Chapter 4: This time it will be… Rinoa on PCP!

Seifer wandered all the way back to Balamb Garden. He couldn't wait to find Rajin. After disappointments like this he wanted nothing more than to cuddle with him. Seifer walked to the dormitory and to Rajin's room. He slowly opened to door.

"Rajin, honey? **OH MY GOD!!!!!"**

Fujin quickly covered herself with Rajin's sheets. Rajin jumped out of the bed. Seifer had fallen to his knees in anguish.

"Rajin, **WHY?** I loved you…."

Seifer began to sob as Rajin approached him.

"I'm sorry ya know!"

Seifer looked up with tears streaming down his eyes.

"She's your sister for heaven's sake!"

"If she was your sister you'd have sex with her too ya know!"

Seifer's crying ceased as stood.

"What do you mean? I have sex with her anyway."

Fujin stood and advanced the two young men.

"IDEA."

Rajin ran to the cabinet.

"I'll get the PVC pipe ya know!"

Seifer plopped despondently on the bed, and unintentionally sitting in the, um… wet spot.

"But B.F.T. is gone… We have to get a new gerbil and name him… um… **A.F.T.! **Rajin, go find a new gerbil. Fujin, you're naked so let's take advantage of that fact!"

Rajin happily skipped away, knowing he would get a "special treat" from Seifer after getting the gerbil.

***

Selphie looked down at her new outfit. She swayed slightly under the weight of the headdress.

"What do ya think?"

Zell thought her hair looked odd sticking out from under the headdress like it was. She certainly looked good in that dress though…

"Uh… you still need to do something about that hair and the brown boots really don't match, but other than that…"

Selphie lifted the headdress off and inspected it.

"I'll just have to figure out how to use magic to put it up. I'll try that now!"

Selphie replaced the horns and stood silent for a minute. Zell began to lean forward slightly in anticipation; his eyes widened more the longer he waited. Selphie raised her arms; a bluish glitter appeared about her as a bright light surrounded her. She stepped out of the light again with her hair entirely concealed. Her eyes were lined with black and red faded from the lids to her eyebrows. Her lips were painted a dark crimson. Her calf-high boots had turned gloss black.

"How does it look."

She was answered with Zell's silence. His eyes widened at the sight of Selphie, now a vision of sorceress dignity. A few cute incoherent noises escaped the boy's throat. 

__

"I never noticed how sexy she is…"

Selphie pouted a little at his speechlessness.

"Is it that bad?"

Zell tried to say 'no,' but it came out as a little choke. He slowly shook his head.

"That good, huh?"

The male SeeD nodded, his eyes inadvertently falling from her face to her low-cut collar. Selphie sensed this and nonchalantly crossed her arms, pretending not to notice. Zell realized she'd crossed her arms a little too high and knew she had noticed what he was staring at. He looked into her eyes and with his vocal chords finally unparalyzed, he spoke.

"You look very… nice. Yes, very nice."

"Uh huh… Just don't have any wet dreams about me, okay?"

"Um… okay."

Zell grinned devilishly and nearly gave the sorceress a SeeD salute, paused, then settled for a military one.

The dirt and chocobo filth covered Irvine crawled up behind Zell. The brunette boy felt threatened that Zell was a knight, and he wasn't. And worse of all, Zell was knight to **his** girlfriend. He reached up and knocked the blond boy's legs from beneath him. In the process, Zell nearly landed on his attacker, but Irvine was quick enough to roll out of the way… and down a steep hill. He tumbled out of control until a large stone got in the way of his lower extremities just as he was facing downhill. Zell remained seated; he was feeling a bit ashamed for tripping while simply standing. Selphie simply stared at the boy.

__

"Damn! Why the Hell do I have to embarrass myself in front of girls like that?"

"Are you okay?"

She had unthinkingly leaned over to help Zell to his feet. Zell quickly averted his eyes upward and looked into the girl's eyes, instead of down her dress. The time it took the boy to stand was just enough for him to become lost in her shining emerald eyes. The sorceress felt herself being pulled closer to her knight, but it wasn't just that his arms were pulling, there was something else that was inside her. Suddenly the girl felt something completely different, but it was against her. Selphie had to say something, but her voice came out weak.

"Zell?"

"Yes?"

"Is there something in your pocket?

"No, why?"

"Something in your pants is poking me."

****

"WHAA-"

Zell turned about six shades of red and looked at his feet. Selphie playfully patted his tattooed cheek and walked toward her chocobo and jumped back on its back. She led Rocket to stand by the boy.

"You want a ride?"

Zell, who was still highly embarrassed, lifted his t-board and spoke shyly.

"S'ok. I got my board with me."

Zell turned his back to ride away, but he suddenly felt himself being pulled by the collar of his jacket from behind.

"Come on Zell! You're my knight so you're suppose to be with me at all times to protect me. You can just carry the board."

Zell started toward Rocket, then hesitated.

"Please Zell?"

Zell sighed. Maybe she really didn't care about that *ahem* disturbance earlier. The boy climbed onto the chocobo behind Selphie. He wrapped his arms around, placing his hands over her smaller ones. An odd warm feeling came over him as the rode swiftly to the Garden.

***

Squall slept silently as his door opened, letting the fluorescent light from the halls flood the room. A figure slipped in through the tiny crack and headed for Squalls bed. The figure slipped under the sheets at the foot of the bed. Squall felt something crawling on top of him and awoke. He jumped upright.

"Heheh, what's wrong Squall?"

"Rinoa! You scared me."

Squall reached to his small bedside table and clicked on a lamp. At first the light blinded him, but when his eyes adjusted he realized what Rinoa was wearing. Her underclothes and that was it.

"You walked through the halls like that?"

"I didn't want to take off more than necessary when I got here."

"…"

"What's wrong, Squall?"

Rinoa leaned forward planting a kiss on her boyfriend, square on the lips. He kissed the girl back, but began to worry as she pushed him down onto his back.

"Rinoa, please stop."

The girl giggled and reached for Squall's pants.

"AH!"

Squall was suddenly on the other side of the room with a shocked Rinoa sitting on the bed. Squall clung to the wall for dear life.

__

"I thought Rinoa wanted to take everything slowly. What is she doing? Wait, glazed look, increased libido, lack of rational thought… **CHOCO-BOY SOLD HER PCP AGAIN!!** Why does he keep selling drugs to Rinoa? I'm going to kick his ass… 

Rinoa walked toward her now cornered boyfriend. She bit her lower lip seductively as she grabbed his shoulders and threw him on the bed.

****

"AAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhh… oh." 

Quistis realized she had just woken up to realize all to her students were hiding behind their consoles.

"Sorry children, I had a very disturbing dream."

The boy who had informed her of the pen mark before stood once again.

"Instructor Trepe. We could hear you mumbling about Mr. Leonhart and Ms. Heartilly, and something about PCP that sounded sexual. There isn't any truth to this, is there?"

Horror spread across the instructor's face.

"No! Like I said, it was a disturbing dream I had as a result of sleep deprivation."

***

Irvine stepped into the entrance of Balamb Garden. He was then attacked by one hundred hungry Shinigamis. They ate his hat and his chaps. He didn't really notice, Shinigamis a pretty fast ya know. And they were pretty hungry, since Nessa-chan only feeds them bread and water. Then, Irvine's pant's fell off! But don't worry folks, he doesn't have much to hide. Xu saw this and threw him out the window, expelling for indecent exposure. Then a Shinigami flew into his face and screamed at him.

"TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM!"

The little bat-Duo thing fluttered away.


	5. J'aime Le Poop!

Disclaimer: Same as usual

Disclaimer: Same as usual.Squaresoft owns basically everything.I must give my traditional shout out to 

my hominid Elysia.If you're wondering my posting is slowed, it's because I have a ton of English 

homework all the time and you don't feel like writing more than necessary when you're practicing for the 

EOC writing crap.You might want to start learning languages to read my fic.I bet only about 2 of you 

understood the Moslem in the last one.(Note:I wrote this disclaimer a long time ago so it may not apply now)

** **

**Bad Zell! No hotdog for you!**

Chapter 5: J'aime le poop!

A small herd of Duo bat things darkened the sky above Rocket and her two passengers.Some had a bit of 

leather stuck between their teeth but that's beside the point.Rocket freaked out and started speaking 

French.

"J'ai besoin un chariot!! Ici!Ici!Güillo pran ton tambourine!!Qui à coupé la fromage!?"

Then Zell started humming.

Not really.Selphie was getting bored and just kind of dreamed it.Then Zell started humming.Zell and Selphie found themselves in a rather deserted part of the Balamb continent that had a small barn.A chocobo barn to be exact.Zell and Selphie dismounted.Zell scratched his head in confusion.

"I thought we were going back to the Garden."

"It's getting late, maybe we should stay here for the night…"

"But the Garden isn't very far away!"

Selphie hugged Rocket protectively.

"But Rocket's scared of the dark!"

Zell shook his head doubtfully but obediently followed his sorceress anyway.Inside the barn they found sleeping chocobos and chicobos and a nice warm-looking pile of hay in the corner.They couldn't see him, but Choco-Boy was hiding in a stall counting his drug money.Zell leaned against the wall and Selphie plopped down in the hay.There was silence for several minutes.

***

Quistis sat at her desk in her dimly lit room.She had been grading papers but fell asleep again.She woke with a start when she heard a big thump in the hall.The instructor peeked out her door to see Selphie's door lying on the floor after being torn from its hinges.Fearing the worst, she grabbed her Save The Queen and stealthily tiptoed across the hall and into Selphie's room.There she saw a large man bent over the hamster cage.

"Rajin?What the hell are you doing?"

"This isn't a gerbil, is it?"

"Um… no.Why?"

"I need to find a gerbil ya know!"

Quistis stood in her proud instructor pose.

"If you're going to find a gerbil, you'll need to know how…"

Rajin ran away before Quistis could continue her tutorial.

***

Selphie sat slightly shivering in the hay.Zell noticed this and cautiously walked toward her.Selphie sensed a certain uncomfortable manner in his steps. 

_"Does he always walk like that?"_

_ _

_"Why is she looking at my legs?"_

Zell sat beside Selphie.

"You cold?

"Yeah, this dress isn't made for cool weather…"

Zell started to take his jacket off.

"Want my jacket?"

"No, I don't want you to be cold.Hey!Maybe if you stay here and we sleep together we can stay warm tonight!"

Zell choked.

"You mean sleep or 'sleep'?"

"How many kinds of sleep are there?Ah… just lie down before we both freeze."

Irvine was an unhappy, poorly endowed little man.He was cold, wet, hungry, naked, and he hadn't had sex since that time he got that Galbadian girl drunk with the whiskey Choco-Boy sold him.Irvine wandered aimlessly until he found a certain deserted corner of that sad excuse for a continent, Balamb.Irvine saw the semi-dilapidated chocobo barn in the distance.He peered into the cracked window to see Zell and Selphie sleeping together.Yet again take that as you will because it really doesn't matter which form of sleeping it was because a freak falling cow took out the Galbadian cowboy-wanna-be.

"mmmmmMMMMMM**MMOO!**"

Thud!

The cow calmly stood and walked away with Irvine embedded into its soft underbelly.

Zell suddenly sat up.

"Did you hear that?"

Selphie pulled Zell down.

"Lie back down, I doubt it was anything."

The End.

Just kidding.

***

And then…

Choco-Boy stood in the Quad of Balamb Garden.A student walked by and he and Choco-boy made a quick, almost invisible exchange of Gil and heroine.Choco-boy waited for his next client to come by.

Seifer approached with a very serious expression and took Choco-boy to the side.

"Do you have my ecstacy?"

"Yeah, it's right here."

Choco-boy slipped the small container into Seifer's hand.

"Thanks, kid, my shift in the cafeteria starts in half an hour, I've got some plans for this stuff."

I probably forgot to mention this, but Seifer is now working in the cafeteria from 10AM to 2PM and prepared and served lunches to all the little students.He had to do something otherwise Xu would kick him out.

Seifer strolled to the cafeteria where he promptly put on his hair net and plastic apron and gloves.He prepared meals as usual until noon.On Thursdays Rinoa and Quistis always at lunch together at noon.And today was Thursday.Seifer spotted them in the Head cook's line.He HAD to serve them today.

"Excuse me, I'm don't seem to remember what goes into the soup…"

"I knew I couldn't trust you with the soup.I'll make it, you serve my line."

_"Perfect."_

_ _

Seifer swiftly gave everyone their food until Rinoa and Quistis were in the front of the line.

"Hello, Rinoa.Hello, Instructor.What will you be having today?"

Rinoa stood thinking while Quistis ordered.

"I'll just have a salad today."

"Can I have five hotdogs?"

Seifer was quite taken aback by her order.

_"My God!Is she pregnant?Nah… she's gotta be bulimic.I have to talk to Squall later.He needs to learn to use protection."_

_ _

Seifer slipped a tablet into Quistis's salad and the other into one of Rinoa's hotdogs.

"Enjoy your meal, ladies."

"Um, thanks Seifer."

***

Zell was having a good dream.A very good dream.The kind of dream you have when you know there is a scantily clad girl in the same room.

"ZELL!! Wake up!Something's wrong with Rocket!"

"Huh?"

He sat up in confusion.That would be an odd thing to hear in the dream he was having.Selphie was busily walking around Rocket.And Rocket looked… constipated.

"Zell, do you think she's having a baby?"

Zell then noticed Selphie was wearing a Doctor's scrubs, and he was wearing those of a nurse.

Zell saw a tray with medical instruments set up beside the patient.

Selphie held her hand out to Zell.

"Gloves!"

"Gloves..."

"Scalpel!"

"Scalpel. _She's scaring the shit out of me!"_

"Um… those tong thingies?"

"Um, those tong thingies!"

"Here comes the head!"

PLOP!

"Selphie, that's not a head…"

Zell watched as she inspected the gooey balloon.

_"Ew… she's touching it…"_

_ _

"Is this rock salt?"

"She is so clueless about this.I shouldn't tell her; she'll get suspicious…"

"WHAT?"

"Damn it!! I was supposed to think that!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Selphie, your chocobo had a condom full of crack in her rectum.She's a drug smuggler."

"How do you know what crack looks like?"

"Um…"

Selphie gave him a disapproving look.

"Zell…"

"Okay, okay.One time I went to this party and Choco-boy was there.And of course he brought his entire stash and , well, next thing I knew I woke up with a tattoo."

"Oh… Okay!"


	6. I don't like the drugs, but the drugs li...

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING

The Disclaimer:I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!!!!Except for maybe Laguna's pants!::Sexy growl::

Forgive me if I misspell Dr. Kadawaki's name.I don't' quite remember what it was…

Oh, and I need to thank Elysia Erianthe (read her stories!) and Leto II for their moral support.And just incase you are a Playstation user you need you understand that I'm a PC game player.And I can't forget to thank Marilyn Manson for writing a song whose title I could steal, but it's oh so appropriate for this chapter.

Bad Zell!! No hotdog for you!Chapter 6:I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me.

Zell stepped outside the barn and let out a big, manly yawn.All that sleeping really took it out of him.Selphie happily popped out of the barn.

"Hiya, Zell!"

Zell turned and smiled at his pretty little sorceress.Rocket then walked out and ate something.No one ever found out what.A little Shinigami (Bat-Duo thing) watched this all while perched on a stump that looker eerily like Winnie the Pooh.In the distance a grazing cow felt a naked body dislodge itself from her abdomen.Irvine stood angrily and limped away.NOOO!!! Not the children!Don't eat the CHILDREN!!Then he fell into a small crater.And… and…I forgot.

So, anyway…Zell and Selphie smiled at each other.Neither spoke because they both felt terribly uncomfortable.Who could tell when Rocket would drop a balloon of heroin or something?So they mounted Rocket and headed back to the garden!

***

Back to last night because I have not been paying attention to the passage of time between scenes…

Quistis was grading papers.Just kidding, she does do more than that!Quistis was trying to take a nap (the poor thing only has two hobbies) but she just couldn't stop feeling…you all know what ecstasy does to you so I won't go into that.Then she heard a knock at the door.Quistis got up and went to the door, for all she knew it could be a hot guy, or any guy for that matter.The girl's got "needs."She opened the door to see Seifer.

_"Damn, Seifer has never looked so hot before…"_

"Hello, Instructor."

"Skip the "Instructor" shit and get the Hell in here!"

Quistis grabbed Seifer by his shirt collar and dragged him inside.

***

A few doors down, Rinoa was feeling quite the same way, but instead of sitting around, she decided to go Squall-Hunting!She spotted her black-clad boyfriend at the dormitory entrance.

GLOMP!

Poor Squall, he never saw her coming.He was so surprised he didn't even make any sounds as his randy little Sorceress carried him to her room.In the mean time, Quistis's door opened and Seifer tried to crawl out.

_"At this rate I won't have enough left for Rinoa…"_

_ _

"**Where do you think you're going?!**"

"**HELP!!!**"

Quistis wasn't through with him…

***

So back to the morning.Zell and Selphie entered the Garden.There they found a very worn looking Seifer walking toward is room.Seifer picked up his phone.He had a call to make.

"Esthar Executive Office."

Seifer wad surprised he got through on the first try.

"Um, yes… Can I speak to the President?"

"Who is speaking?"

"Um… I'm a friend.The name's _THINK THINK THINK!!_ Zell Dinct._DAMN!! Of all of Squall's friends the first one I think of is Chicken-Wuss!"_

"Oh!Mr. Dinct, I'll connect you now."

_"At least it worked…"_

"Hello, this is Laguna"

"Oh, hi.They probably told you I was Zell, but I'm not.I just said that cause I knew they wouldn't let me speak to you unless I was someone you knew."

"…Who are you?"

"I'm an… acquaintance of Squall's.You are his father, right?"

"Some people think so."

"Well, I think your son has been having unprotected sex with Rinoa…"

The unlikely president excitedly interrupted the ex-knight.

"**You mean my son banged Julia's daughter?!**"

"Um… yeah…"

Seifer was feeling quite uncomfortable.

"Wow, Squall didn't seem like the type when I met him.I need to throw him a coming-of-age party or something…"

"But I think Rinoa's pregnant."

"Cool!I'm gonna be a Grandpa!"

"…I think you're missing the point…"

"Tell Squall to call me.Thanks for telling me about all of this!Bye bye!"

"But--"

Seifer dropped the phone.He was starting to feel like the only sane one around lately.He started to leave the room when he heard someone enter his room.In one movement Seifer picked up his gunblade, leapt up in the air, and landed with his weapon pointed at the intruder.Rajin happily held up a small mammal for Seifer.

"I found one, ya know!"

Seifer relaxed and leaned against the gunblade like a crutch.

"That you did.Okay, put him in the cage."

Rajin obediently did his bidding.

"I'll give you your 'special treat' later today…I'm tired…"

"Okay, just like tell me when you're ready, ya know!"

"Fine, I'll probably be taking a nap until then."

Rajin skipped happily away and Seifer threw himself down on his bed.But he was unaware that something had crept silently into his room…

"Seifer?"

"Shit."

Quistis stood above the lad and looked somewhat embarrassed.

"I just wanted to say sorry about last night.I don't know what came over me."

"Um, don't worry about it…"

"Soo…"

"Yeah."

"Can we do it again some time?"

"WHAT?"

"I'll pass you on the next SeeD exam."

"Hm… Okay!"

***

Somewhere, a young teenage boy's father was giving him crap for listening to rock music, and then Twisted Sister came in.

"We're not gonna take it.NO!We ain't gonna take it.We're not gonna take it, any mooore!"

***

Squall was happily resting in Doctor Kadawaki's office.Sleeping had taken a lot out of him.But the good Doctor had plans of her own…

_"I'm gonna have to neuter Seifer.He's been impregnating everything in this Garden.Those poor T-Rexaurs…I need to test this fertility drug.Hey, maybe I can bring Rinoa in here while Squall's here!"_

***

Seifer sat in Quistis' classroom taking a hastily put together SeeD written test.Quistis really wanted him to graduate soon.Sexual relations with a student who was actually her age could still get her in trouble.Seifer nearly concentrated on the next question.

_"27.How many children can Rinoa pump out of that tiny 'lil ass all at once?_

_ _

_a. purple_

_b. bubble wrap_

_c. As many as Squall can pump in."_

_ _

Seifer finished the test in a matter of minutes, after all these were (for the most part) the same questions he had been answering on these tests since he was like 15 or 16 or something.

"JE SUIS FINI!!"

"Eh?"

"Oh, sorry.I mean to say, I'm finished."

"Good!I'll take you on a field test now."

"Um, I'll be to only one taking the field test?"

"Of course!No one else is getting early graduation.But this is the real thing.Xu just HAS to come along…"

"Damn, well I'll get you all to myself later my yummy little Quisty."

Quistis playfully sat on Seifer's desk.

"Of course you will Seify-poo!"

***

Am I making you sick yet?

The story has lapsed into something that wasn't originally intended…

But it's fun, isn't it?

So then Xu and Quistis took Seifer to Dollet.

"So, ladies, what heroic act will I be doing here today?"

Xu put her hand on a car.

"You see this car?Well it shakes perpetually.We want you to make it stop shaking._Mmm…that's right.Get that sexy ass over here._"

"...Okay."

Seifer carefully opened the car's door.There was no key in the ignition so it wasn't running… he looked in the backseat carefully.No sex there.There was nothing inside the car to make it shake.He opened the hood, nothing moved in the engine.Then he heard a muffled conversation in the trunk.

"Agh!I can't breathe…"

"Zell, move your face, of course you can't breathe."

"Oh, yeah, that's better."

Seifer cautiously opened the trunk.There he saw Selphie and Zell cowering in the corner.

"Chicken-Wuss and Messenger-Girl.What are you two doing in Dollet?"

Zell scratched his head.Selphie stood up and brushed off her red and black dress.She then inspected her black patent-leather boots.Then Selphie decided to answer Seifer.

"Weeelll… My knight and I were just curious about what you and Quistis were doin' so we hid in this car and waited for you!"

"Your knight?"

"Yup!I'm a sorceress!"

"…Why don't I get to be a knight?"

Quistis promptly stood before Seify-Poo.

"You passed!!You're a SeeD now!_And you can be my 'Knight' ANYTIME!_"

Seifer looked unbelievably happy.And there was much rejoicing.

"YAY!"

So Seifer was a SeeD and Quistis got laid all she wanted.But what about poor Rajin and his fresh gerbil?Well, Rajin came in to Fuujin's room to share the good news that he's found a gerbil when he saw her with Nida.

"**OH GOD!!FUUJIN!!WHY, YA KNOW?**"

"LONELY."

"Oh…"

Nida stood and peered at the creature in Rajin's hand.

"Hey, is that a gerbil?"

"Yeah, it is.I've got some PVC pipe, ya know?"

"Rodger!"

***

Wasn't that disturbing?

Dr. Kadawaki knocked on Rinoa's door.

"Rinoa, are you in there?"

A female student walked by.

"Rinoa's in the cafeteria."

So the doctor went down to the cafeteria.There she saw Rinoa stuffing hotdog after hotdog in her mouth.Not pretty.Bravely the older woman approached the younger one.

"Rinoa?"

Rinoa looked up and spoke with her mouth full.

"Yes?"

"Do you want to come to visit Squall in the Infirmary?

"Okay, let me finish my sixth hotdog…"

The young sorceress and the doctor spotted a save spot outside the cafeteria.Rinoa pointed to it.

"Hey!That was there before!"

"Well, you know how those things are always getting moved around."

"Yeah, that's right.Hey do you think we should save before going on?"

"That might be a good idea."

"Don't forget to junction your GF."

They stood in the save spot and now they were safe; if they were killed they could always go back to this moment.They walked away from the spot and headed toward the infirmary. Then a bright light surrounded them and a heavily pregnant T-Rexaur appeared.They fought it for a while but then Rinoa noticed Dr. Kadawaki hadn't summoned her GF yet…

"YOU FORGOT TO JUNCTION, DIDN'T YOU?!"

Dr. Kadawaki looked quite embarrassed.

"…yes…"

And then they died.

Game Over.

Start.Programs. FINAL FANTASY VIII.FINAL FANTASY VIII.Continue.Slot 2.Save12.They walked away from the spot and headed toward the infirmary. Then a bright light surrounded them and a heavily pregnant T-Rexaur appeared.Rinoa and Kadawaki fought and won.Then they traveled to the infirmary.

"Alright Rinoa, sit right here."

"Okay."

The doctor walked to Squall's bedside.

"You have a visitor."

"……."

Squall curled up into the fetal position.Then he uncurled, sat up, and stepped into the waiting area thingy.Rinoa sat looking up at him.Kadawaki followed Squall.

"I'd like to do a pregnancy test on you."

"………………"

"Not you, Squall.I'm talking to Rinoa."

_"Why would she be doing a pregnancy test?Nobody knows about what we've been doing.AH!! IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST!Unless she's been telling people, but why would she do that…"_

_ _

"**SQUALL!!**"

"Huh?"

Doctor Kadawaki handed Squall a small piece of paper.Yes, she was able to complete the test and get the results in the time it took Squall to think that.She's special.

"The test came back positive."

"Bollocks."

Heheh, bollocks is a funny word!

Squall then went to Rinoa's side.

"…I just heard the results.How are you feeling?"

"I'm hungry."

The couple walked back to the cafeteria together.


End file.
